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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay

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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay [#permalink] New post 26 Jul 2017, 07:15
Prompt: Some people believe that increasing violence in the media is the cause of increasing violence in our society, especially among children. Others believe that children's peer groups and parental role models are a much more powerful influence on children's behavior.


Response:
The capricious nature of the 21st century has morphed the way we think, imbibe and interact with the society and with each other. Needless to say it has also changed the perspective of parenthood. While social critics of human behavior would say that the burgeoning truculence in the media is the prime cause of increasing violence in the society and children behavior, the apologist of the media would say that the onus of the paragon parenthood and raising children falls on the parents and their peer groups. Weighing the evidence on the both sides shows us that contemporary behavior of children is listed more by the media than the peer groups.

The audio visual attention and the effect of media is subtle and prevalent in everyday life. Psychologist have often bolstered the fact that the seeing is believing; phenomenon witnessed in media has portentous response on children as they are emotionally driven rather than rationally. The mishaps and the incidents are evidence to this. The notorious Columbia incident where a groups of seniors at the Columbia College allegedly attacked and killed almost 11 people shook the local and national media. After the culprits were questioned it came to light that the attackers were influenced by the TV soap where the protagonists attempted such an attack. There are piles of such incidents and attacks. A recent case sprung up in the urban town of Madhya Pradesh in India in 2014, where a group of kids after being influenced by a national movie star tried to kidnap the girl in the school. It is incidents like these that raises questions on the morality of the media of what needs to be shown. It is discerning to note that T.V and media has a large impecunious influence on the naive and fledgling mind of the children which is difficult to wipe out.


While good parenthood raises good children it is not causal. There are great examples in History which shows otherwise. The seventh son of his family Adolf Hitler was certainly raised in the good spirits of his time. Born of a clerical father and a mother who taught his patriotism and brotherhood he was certainly not the aggressive type. It certainly demonstrates that more than the parenthood shapes the behavior of the children. In the contemporary times when the globalization has connected us in many ways than it was possible, it is certainly not possible to veil the children from the interaction of media. Although peer groups has a role to play, children are more influenced by the audio visual inputs delivered dramatically. This why behavorial psychology stress the need for controlled media and is certainly evident in many countries.


Conclusively it can be said that the media influence has a dire role to play towards the dynamics of media and TV. Incidents such as the columbia and the mishaps in India and elsewhere provides concrete proof. Although the peer groups have a role to play but with the increasing global interaction, their roles are becoming diluted. It can only be said that their roles have becomes more passive nowadays.
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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay [#permalink] New post 26 Jul 2017, 10:42
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flamestones wrote:
Prompt: Some people believe that increasing violence in the media is the cause of increasing violence in our society, especially among children. Others believe that children's peer groups and parental role models are a much more powerful influence on children's behavior.


Response:
The capricious nature of the 21st century has morphed the way we think, imbibe and interact with the society and with each other. Needless to say it has also changed the perspective of parenthood. While social critics of human behavior would say that the burgeoning truculence in the media is the prime cause of increasing violence in the society and children behavior, the apologist of the media would say that the onus of the paragon parenthood and raising children falls on the parents and their peer groups. Weighing the evidence on the both sides shows us that contemporary behavior of children is listed more by the media than the peer groups.

The audio visual attention and the effect of media is subtle and prevalent in everyday life. Psychologist have often bolstered the fact that the seeing is believing; phenomenon witnessed in media has portentous response on children as they are emotionally driven rather than rationally. The mishaps and the incidents are evidence to this. The notorious Columbia incident where a groups of seniors at the Columbia College allegedly attacked and killed almost 11 people shook the local and national media. After the culprits were questioned it came to light that the attackers were influenced by the TV soap where the protagonists attempted such an attack. There are piles of such incidents and attacks. A recent case sprung up in the urban town of Madhya Pradesh in India in 2014, where a group of kids after being influenced by a national movie star tried to kidnap the girl in the school. It is incidents like these that raises questions on the morality of the media of what needs to be shown. It is discerning to note that T.V and media has a large impecunious influence on the naive and fledgling mind of the children which is difficult to wipe out.


While good parenthood raises good children it is not causal. There are great examples in History which shows otherwise. The seventh son of his family Adolf Hitler was certainly raised in the good spirits of his time. Born of a clerical father and a mother who taught his patriotism and brotherhood he was certainly not the aggressive type. It certainly demonstrates that more than the parenthood shapes the behavior of the children. In the contemporary times when the globalization has connected us in many ways than it was possible, it is certainly not possible to veil the children from the interaction of media. Although peer groups has a role to play, children are more influenced by the audio visual inputs delivered dramatically. This why behavorial psychology stress the need for controlled media and is certainly evident in many countries.


Conclusively it can be said that the media influence has a dire role to play towards the dynamics of media and TV. Incidents such as the columbia and the mishaps in India and elsewhere provides concrete proof. Although the peer groups have a role to play but with the increasing global interaction, their roles are becoming diluted. It can only be said that their roles have becomes more passive nowadays.


Although it was clear you were making the assertion that violence in media is making more of an effect on children now than their peers are, it was somewhat unclear why because some of your logic needed to be expanded upon.

You did make mention a couple of cases where media inspired violence in children, but your topic sentence
Quote:
"The audio visual attention and the effect of media is subtle and prevalent in everyday life. Psychologist have often bolstered the fact that the seeing is believing; phenomenon witnessed in media has portentous response on children as they are emotionally driven rather than rationally."
is not expanded upon because you didn't mention any psychologist specifically that lent to this evidence.

Also, why are you asserting that children are more affected by media than their peers? Is it because they value media as a more concrete and relatable source of information? Are they not meeting up with friends as much as they used to due to convenience or dwindling social skills? It seems like there's a slight disconnect between your argument and evidentiary support.

Quote:
"The capricious nature of the 21st century has morphed the way we think, imbibe and interact with the society and with each other."


In regards to the writing, your language was relatively sophisticated, but using the word "imbibe" in the first sentence seemed strange and inappropriate in context of that sentence as "imbibe" means to drink.

Quote:
"While good parenthood raises good children it is not causal... It certainly demonstrates that more than the parenthood shapes the behavior of the children."


Also, as a stylistic/ rhetorical preference, I was taught to avoid the unidentified it. The first sentence would be written as While good parenthood often leads to good children, this is not always a constant. The latter sentence could have been rewritten as These examples certainly demonstrate that more than parenthood shapes the behavior of children .

Main Ideas: I would give your essay a 3-4 only because there needs to be deeper reasoning behind the argument you presented. Though you have examples, you need more structure and organization behind your ideas for a convincing essay. I would recommend making a more thorough outline for topics of the intended body paragraphs and spreading out examples over all three (if you choose to have 3 body paragraphs) in future essays. Then wrap it all up with concision in the conclusion. Use a slightly more vague version of your conclusion as the thesis in your introduction.

Cheers!
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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay [#permalink] New post 27 Jul 2017, 01:52
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Totally Agree with jennytran

See here for more reference greprepclub-guide-to-awa-the-clear-cut-3426.html

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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay [#permalink] New post 27 Jul 2017, 09:21
Jennytran333 Thank you such an exhaustive feedback for the essay, keeping in spirit of this forum. Midway during the essay, I too thought that I was lacking towards the depth of the essay, when it came to examples. Also regarding the use of the word imbibe, I was referring to one of the meaning of the words which relates to gain or assimilate ideas or knowledge.

Thanks again for the review.
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Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay [#permalink] New post 28 Jul 2017, 09:01
flamestones wrote:
Jennytran333 Thank you such an exhaustive feedback for the essay, keeping in spirit of this forum. Midway during the essay, I too thought that I was lacking towards the depth of the essay, when it came to examples. Also regarding the use of the word imbibe, I was referring to one of the meaning of the words which relates to gain or assimilate ideas or knowledge.

Thanks again for the review.

Happy to help! I know how you feel. It's stressful especially on a topic you're not as comfortable with because you know you're on a time crunch, but it's taking some time to wrap your head around just what you want to say. Hang in there! When in doubt, spend more time on your outline and once you're confident in what you have to say the rest should work itself out. It's better to invest that time in knowing exactly what you want than to waste time floundering and creating something you know could have been better. It's been a while since I've had timed essays, but back in the day, I would give myself about 5-7 minutes just to make the outline because I noticed a huge difference between the quality of my essays/ conviction of my writing.
Re: Assessment of Analytical Writing: Issue Essay   [#permalink] 28 Jul 2017, 09:01
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