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Kindly review this essay [First attempt]

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Kindly review this essay [First attempt] [#permalink] New post 02 Aug 2018, 12:36
This is my first attempt at practicing. I am an international student and writing is super difficult.

Topic: To understand the most important characteristics of a society, one must study its major cities.

The study of sociology is inseparable with anthropology, which requires massive data acquired from the humans within this society. What better study pool can the researcher find other than one of the major cities in which the society that he/she is studying? These relatively populated major cities supply not only subjects, but also the various phenomena which are the results of human behaviors. These phenomena, in other words, are the representatives of the characteristics of the studied society, and reveal the current states of the economic, social, industrial, and cultural structures that are made up of the individuals who live within this society. From the cities’ infrastructure to citizens’ happiness index, major cities contribute the bulk of census and data for the study of sociology.
However, one must also understand that, from a macro-perspective, a society is consisted of various sub-societies depending on population or geolocation. This is especially important to consider when studying a society in a geographically large country.
For instance, China, with its vast national territory, is made up of overpopulated major cities and rural provinces with remote villages. While the major cities, such as Beijing, Shanghai, and Hongkong, provide complex and valid data of the modern communist lifestyle that is essential to the understanding of the current state of China and its position in the world, the various lifestyles of the individuals habiting in the countryside could be extremely different. Having 56 different ethnic groups and 26 provinces, the general Chinese society can be divided into a variety of sub-societies, each with its distinct tradition, religion, and dialect. People of some traditions and cultures in the west, such as the Uygurs, Tibetans, Miaos tend to be underrepresented in the major cities located in eastern China, which are dominated by Han Chinese, but their lifestyles are essential to the makeup of the diversified modern Chinese society. Excluding these locations in the process of studying the characteristics of a society will unquestioningly create biases that lead to unreliable conclusions.
Therefore, it is safe to say that, studying the major cities does give a general representation of the characteristics of the studied society, but it inevitably produces biases by excluding the population in relatively rural geolocations.
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Re: Kindly review this essay [First attempt] [#permalink] New post 02 Aug 2018, 14:12
Expert's post
Hi,

I do not wanna be rude. After all , through the GREPrep club community, we are aiming to help the students to improve their skills and actually to overcome this daunting test.

However, your essay is really on the negative side.

It is not clear. The sentences are convoluted and fully of NOT standard English both from the grammar and style point of view.

I strongly suggest you to read our guide to AWA. https://greprepclub.com/forum/greprepcl ... -3426.html

Moreover, look at the Official Guide how ETS judge and evaluate the essays.

Hope this helps.

Regards
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Re: Kindly review this essay [First attempt]   [#permalink] 02 Aug 2018, 14:12
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