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Can you grade my Argument essay? This is my first essay. :)

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Can you grade my Argument essay? This is my first essay. :) [#permalink] New post 09 Aug 2017, 09:03
Topic:

"Over the past two years, the number of shoppers in Central Plaza has been steadily decreasing while the popularity of skateboarding has increased dramatically. Many Central Plaza store owners believe that the decrease in their business is due to the number of skateboard users in the plaza. There has also been a dramatic increase in the amount of litter and vandalism throughout the plaza. Thus, we recommend that the city prohibit skateboarding in Central Plaza. If skateboarding is prohibited here, we predict that business in Central Plaza will return to its previously high levels."


My Respnse:

While it may be true that the number of shoppers have decreased over the past few years but that certainly doesn't imply that the decrease is due the increased pupularity of skateboarding. The argument is based on assumptions and holes and not a strong reason to prohibit skateboarding.

The decrease in the number of shoppers might be due the fact that the quality of shops itself has dergraded over time. For example the garment shops might not have the latest stock which might lead to customers no longer be coming there. It also might be due to less advertisment because some people might not even know that the plaza has several other things apart from skateboarding.

The author has also not mentioned about the location of the Central Plaza. There is a possibility that a new Mall has opened nearby with much more variety and people might prefer going there. Maybe, since earlier the Central Plaza was the only place in that area so people would come there to shop. But over time, shoppers got other options as well and preferred switching to those instead of going to the plaza and since the skateboadring was pretty new, most of the crowd would go there.

Also, more and more people over the last few years are switching to online shopping instead of going to the shops, which can also be a reson for a decrease in the number of shoppers. So, the blame can't be solely put on skateboarding.

The author has also implied that the increased vandalism and litter is due to the increase in number of skateboard users, which also can't be justified since that may be due to negligence by staff.

Also, after skateboarding was introduced, the number of people coming to the plaza should also have increased which should have led to increased customers which is not the case here, which clearly shows that the fault is on the part of shop owners and not on the skateboard users and hence it cannot be deduced that prohibiting skateboarding will lead to an increase in the number of shoppers.
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Re: Can you grade my Argument essay? This is my first essay. :) [#permalink] New post 12 Aug 2017, 17:30
What is the exact essay prompt?
You develop some interesting points, but they could be made stronger. And you need a brief conclusion
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Re: Can you grade my Argument essay? This is my first essay. :) [#permalink] New post 14 Aug 2017, 12:08
Hi,

Thanks for your response.

The question is:
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


How much would you rate out of 6?

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Re: Can you grade my Argument essay? This is my first essay. :)   [#permalink] 14 Aug 2017, 12:08
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Can you grade my Argument essay? This is my first essay. :)

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