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Please help to evaluate my argument essay. Thank you.

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Please help to evaluate my argument essay. Thank you. [#permalink] New post 23 Jun 2017, 05:33
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Argument essay:


Hospital statistics regarding people who go to the emergency room after roller-skating accidents indicate the need for more protective equipment. Within that group of people, 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots had not been wearing any protective clothing (helmets, knee pads, etc.) or any light-reflecting material (clip-on lights, glow-in-the-dark wrist pads, etc.). Clearly, the statistics indicate that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment, roller skaters will greatly reduce their risk of being severely injured in an accident.

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.




My response:


The author assumes that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment will certainly reduce the risk of severely injured in an accident. After reading on the reasons provided by the author, the argument was marred by a mass of superfluous details and it depends on a few stated and unstated assumptions which may or not justify the author's assumptions.

At first, the author stated that, according to the hospital statistics, those who went to the emergency department after roller-skating accidents were due to lack of protective equipment. The author assumes, according to the hospital statistics, that the reason for roller-skating accidents was due to lack of protective equipment and did not provide other possible cause of roller-skating accidents. If there are other factors that should take in considerations, such as bad weather, low awarness about the safety of roller-skating and road conditions of roller-skating, then, the author assumes that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment will decrease the risk of injury may not be proven warranted.

Apart from that, the author had cited from the statistics that 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots had not been wearing any protective clothing (helmets, knee pads, etc.) or any light-reflecting material (clip-on lights, glow-in-the-dark wrist pads, etc.). However, the author fails to address whether those involved in the accident was the roller-skater or is the pedestrian. If those involved in the accident was the pedestrian, then, it may not be feasible for them to wear protective clothing or any light-reflecting material. Perhaps, the author needs to provide more specific evidence to indicate the actual percentage of those who involved in the accident. If there are higher percentages of roller-skater who are involved in the accident, then it may be plausible to invest on high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment.

Besides this, the author also makes an assumption that roller-skater needs to invest in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment. The author assumes that those roller-skaters had been wearing protective gear and reflective equipment while skating. However, the author did not provide more information about the quality of protective gear and reflective equipment. If those involved in the accident did wear a good-quality of protective gear, then, it would not be beneficial to purchase high-quality reflective equipment and protective gear. The author needs to gives more concrete evidence to support his arguments about purchasing excellent quality reflective equipment.

In conclusion, the author’s argument is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster it further, the author must provide more concrete evidence, perhaps by way of a detailed analysis regarding the statistics of roller-skating accidents conducted by the hospital. If the author can provide more detailed analysis of statistics such as the percentage of injury due to lack of awareness, those who did not wear protective gear, road accident etc. in order to make his conclusion sounded.
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Re: Please help to evaluate my argument essay. Thank you. [#permalink] New post 29 Jun 2017, 01:24
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Quote:
The author assumes that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment will certainly reduce the risk of severely injured in an accident. After reading on the reasons provided by the author, the argument was marred by a mass of superfluous details and it depends on a few stated and unstated assumptions which may or not justify the author's assumptions.

At first, the author stated that, according to the hospital statistics, those who went to the emergency department after roller-skating accidents were due to lack of protective equipment. The author assumes, according to the hospital statistics, that the reason for roller-skating accidents was due to lack of protective equipment and did not provide other possible cause of roller-skating accidents. If there are other factors that should take in considerations, such as bad weather, low awarness about the safety of roller-skating and road conditions of roller-skating, then, the author assumes that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment will decrease the risk of injury may not be proven warranted.

Apart from that, the author had cited from the statistics that 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots had not been wearing any protective clothing (helmets, knee pads, etc.) or any light-reflecting material (clip-on lights, glow-in-the-dark wrist pads, etc.). However, the author fails to address whether those involved in the accident was the roller-skater or is the pedestrian. If those involved in the accident was the pedestrian, then, it may not be feasible for them to wear protective clothing or any light-reflecting material. Perhaps, the author needs to provide more specific evidence to indicate the actual percentage of those who involved in the accident. If there are higher percentages of roller-skater who are involved in the accident, then it may be plausible to invest on high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment.

Besides this, the author also makes an assumption that roller-skater needs to invest in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment. The author assumes that those roller-skaters had been wearing protective gear and reflective equipment while skating. However, the author did not provide more information about the quality of protective gear and reflective equipment. If those involved in the accident did wear a good-quality of protective gear, then, it would not be beneficial to purchase high-quality reflective equipment and protective gear. The author needs to gives more concrete evidence to support his arguments about purchasing excellent quality reflective equipment.

In conclusion, the author’s argument is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster it further, the author must provide more concrete evidence, perhaps by way of a detailed analysis regarding the statistics of roller-skating accidents conducted by the hospital. If the author can provide more detailed analysis of statistics such as the percentage of injury due to lack of awareness, those who did not wear protective gear, road accident etc. in order to make his conclusion sounded.


The red parts highlight have not a proper paraphrasing. Moreover, you miss almost completely to show via examples why and where are the flaws of the argument.

Hope this helps.

Look at here for reference greprepclub-guide-to-awa-the-clear-cut-3426.html
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Re: Please help to evaluate my argument essay. Thank you. [#permalink] New post 29 Jun 2017, 02:37
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Thank you for your comments. I will improve it further.
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Re: Please help to evaluate my argument essay. Thank you. [#permalink] New post 29 Jun 2017, 02:43
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This is an example how to restate your phrases and structure your essay.

Of these, you do have millions of video and resources.

http://youtu.be/ydfevLmcN9c

it is for IELTS exam but actually the essays are the same......blah blah blah
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Re: Please help to evaluate my argument essay. Thank you. [#permalink] New post 29 Jun 2017, 02:54
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Thank you for the comments. I will watch the video and improve on my writing.

Do you mind to elaborate further on "you miss almost completely to show via examples why and where are the flaws of the argument."?
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Re: Please help to evaluate my argument essay. Thank you. [#permalink] New post 29 Jun 2017, 08:06
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There are a variety of factors that could be the cause of the accidents. The time of the year and the popularity of rollerskating that season can be factors determining the number of rollerskaters as well as the number of accidents. Inexperienced rollerskater or an overly reckless one will both have increased likelihood of accidents.

For instance last year I have witnessed a race it is called: down the hill just upon the LA hills...........the racers must go down the hill to the valley at an increasing velocity AND elbow curves. All this is utterly mad.........the equipment I would bet does not save a life in such dangerous scenario

No information or details are given regarding how the statistics were obtained. Was the survey conducted in only a single hospital or numerous ones? Was the hospital near a skating rink, park or a playground? If these situations are considered, certainly the number of people visiting the hospital is going to be considerably different depending on the situation and cannot be generalized.

Along with this, it is also assumed that the number of people is large. Since the actual number is not explicitly mentioned, there is no way of knowing whether this was a substantial amount.

And so on and so forth. Guys put fantasy in what you write. Passion. Do not repeat mechanically a template when you write. be engaged.

Hope this helps.
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Re: Please help to evaluate my argument essay. Thank you. [#permalink] New post 29 Jun 2017, 08:17
Thank you for the comments. I will improve the essay based on your feedback.
Re: Please help to evaluate my argument essay. Thank you.   [#permalink] 29 Jun 2017, 08:17
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Please help to evaluate my argument essay. Thank you.

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